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38 of Russell Howard’s best jokes and funniest one-liners

38 of Russell Howard's best jokes and funniest one-liners

Russell Howard has turn out to be one of many world’s largest comedians.

He’s simply introduced one other large international tour for 2019, which can see him name at a number of nations all over the world to play gigs in big arenas. And on prime of that, his Sky One present – The Russell Howard Hour – returns to TV screens tonight.

Whether or not indulging in hilarious impolite tales, whimsical observations, or witty take-downs of politicians, listed here are a few of his greatest jokes and one-liners.

(Warning: incorporates robust language and grownup humour)

“Have individuals all the time been this indignant? I’ve received a humorous concept that earlier than the web, individuals have been simply writing ‘f*** you’ and attaching it to pigeons.”

“You assume college goes to be intercourse, medicine and rock ‘n’ roll. Whereas the truth is extra simply, ‘Did you’re taking my milk?’”

“She’s 80 my Nan. ‘What would you like in your birthday?’ ‘Shredder!! Get me a shredder!!’ ‘What would you like a shredder for?’ ‘Id theft.’”

“The Conservatives: placing the ‘n’ into ‘cuts’.”

“What’s the other of reverse? Think about your self bamboozled!”

“In the event that they’re making desserts for divorces, why not for ‘Joyful Menopause!’ ‘Mmm… it’s a bit dry. Why is there no jam? Did you run out of eggs?’”

(Photograph: BBC)

“Unlikely issues to see in a Valentine’s card – ‘I could also be dyslexic however that doesn’t imply I don’t vole you.’”

“Do Transformers get automotive, or life insurance coverage?”

“Music’s the most effective factor we do as people, isn’t it? It could make you flail your limbs, make you progress in a approach you don’t perceive. Or it might make you weep like a sailor’s spouse observing a storm.”

“I as soon as noticed a person journey while carrying a bag. What fell out of the bag? A dildo! Might it get any higher? Sure, it hit a pigeon!”

“My girlfriend intentionally set a foolish safety query, in order that when she loses her card she has a second of pleasure. So she’d go, ‘Good day, I’ve misplaced my card’ and the individual would go, ‘OK, no drawback. I’ll simply learn out the safety query. Why am I dreaming of a white Christmas?’ And my girlfriend will get to go, ‘Since you’re a racist!’ ‘Right. No. Sure. No, uh… bye.’”

“If I might journey again in time, I might forestall the world’s biggest evil: ‘Mr. and Mrs. Bieber, for the sake of humanity, use this condom!”

“My cousin’s six. I used to be speaking to him the opposite day and I stated, ‘What do you need to be once you’re older?’ He checked out me and went, ‘A unicorn!’ And I used to be like, ‘Why is that?’ He stated: ‘So I can stab individuals with my head!’”

russell howard pullquote main pic(Photograph: BBC)

“I misplaced my virginity beneath a bridge. I used to be having intercourse with this poor woman and I used to be making an attempt my greatest, however I used to be like Scotland at a World Cup – simply comfortable to be there.”

“I used to be in a museum. All over the place it stated, ‘Don’t take pictures.’ I used to be taking a photograph, and a nine-year previous woman says, ‘What are you doing?’ ‘I’m taking a photograph.’ She ran off, ‘I’m off to inform the person!’ Now, the very last thing you need is to be chasing a nine-year previous woman throughout a museum going, ‘Don’t inform the person, don’t inform the person! ‘I’ll delete the photograph!’ That doesn’t look good.”

“English youngsters are probably the most depressed within the developed world. It’s exhausting to get my head round as a result of they’ve received all of it: iPads, Heelys… What did we’ve? Chinese language burns and slapsies.”

“Some graffiti is superb. I used to be driving alongside the opposite day, and there was an enormous signal saying ‘STOP’, and beneath somebody had written, ‘Hammertime!’”

“For years I used to be baffled by the Chinese language: all they need to do is whisper and f*** up your wrists.”

“You don’t want a theme park to have enjoyable with Harry Potter. That is totally free – change the phrase ‘wand’ for ‘wang’ and you may have a terrific time. I’ve an instance for you. ‘Are you OK?’ stated Harry. ‘My wang,’ stated Ron, ‘take a look at my wang!’ It had snapped in two. The tip was dangling limply, held on by a couple of splinters.”

russell howard pullquote main pic(Photograph: BBC)

“Do you assume butterflies get tattoos of white women on their decrease backs?”

“My mate didn’t need to know the intercourse of his child. He stated, ‘paint the nursery pink, as a result of it’s going to be a woman.’ Positive sufficient, a boy arrives. Now he’s portray it blue, ‘If a child seems at pink, it will probably flip him homosexual.’ He truly stated that, out loud. From his mouth. Colors can’t have an effect on your sexuality. ‘Would you like some broccoli?’ ‘No, it’s inexperienced, I’ll be balls-deep in Kermit!’”

“My mum purchased a Jacuzzi, and I used to be in there together with my father and my sister, when my mom determined it might be the perfect second to say: ‘Guess what everybody on this Jacuzzi has in widespread? You’ve all sucked on my t**s!’”

“You hear all these d***kheads, ‘Homosexual marriage just isn’t pure!’ Neither’s marriage! People are the one ones which have weddings. I’ve by no means seen a duck dressed as a vicar.”

“The bible says gays aren’t pure. What, and a speaking snake is?!”

russell howard pullquote(Photograph: BBC)

“For those who’re offended by a lady breastfeeding, right here’s a tip: don’t f***ing look!”

“If I have been to die of something vaguely intercourse associated, or had taken Viagra, you simply know there’d be headlines of ‘Russell How-hard’ within the newspapers.”

“‘Cooks who prepare dinner unhealthy meals could have their exhibits pushed to after the 9pm watershed.’ Warning: the next programme accommodates butter, and scenes of a sugary nature.”

“Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so simply her head’s displaying and gone, ‘Philip, take a look at me. I’m a stamp?’”

“They stated one in ten individuals need a intercourse toy for Christmas, and that’s a lie, isn’t it? You open presents in entrance of your loved ones! Who’s there going, ‘What have you ever acquired, Nan? A b**t plug? Similar right here!’”

“Youngsters do rather well of their A Ranges, and the way can we reply? ‘A Ranges are getting simpler!’ In my day, you needed to do 50 questions in a minute, and in case you obtained one improper, they killed your Dad!”

“The BNP say: ‘It’s my nation, I used to be born right here!’ Bulls***, you got here right here by probability. You weren’t sitting within the womb going, ‘Mom, level your fanny in the direction of Dover!’”

russell howard pullquote main pic(Photograph: BBC)

“I’m Bear Grylls, and that is my brother, Wolf Stirfry.”

“In case you’re a youngster now you possibly can simply sort in ‘tit’ and also you’ve acquired each picture beneath the solar. Once I was a child, the one solution to discover pornography was when it magically arrived within the woods. What a second that was!”

[On healthcare] “Nothing is free is that this nation. It prices 20p to have a s*** in a practice station. The NHS is fantastic.”

“I used to be on a practice and we went via a spot referred to as ‘Didcot Ladygrove’. I used to be already laughing, however my good friend topped it by going, ‘I guess that’s what the Queen calls her vagina.’”

“Ladies nonetheless should pay 5% VAT on tampons as a result of they’re a luxurious merchandise. A luxurious? They’re tampons! Not Ferrero Rocher!”

“Some individuals in England solely have their wheelie bins collected as soon as a fortnight. Their struggling is unimaginable.”

“Kim Kardashian takes so many selfies, you possibly can put them collectively, flick by way of them and see what she’s finished for a yr… nothing.”

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