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105 of the best clean jokes and one-liners to make the whole family laugh

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For those who’re on the lookout for a number of jokes to make use of at a household get-together that gained’t offend any of your extra delicate kin, you’ve come to the suitable place.

Listed here are 105 of one of the best clear jokes from comedians younger and previous.

There’s no smut or dangerous language, simply loads of humorous jokes and pun-tastic one-liners.

Learn extra: 100 of the funniest ever jokes and greatest one-liners

“I had a survey achieved on my home. Eight out of 10 individuals stated they actually slightly appreciated it.” – Jimmy Carr

“Arduous to inform if individuals are excited about becoming a member of my Sarcastic Membership or not…” – Milton Jones

“One in 4 frogs is a leap frog.” – Chris Turner

“‘Son, I don’t assume you’re minimize out to be a mime.’ ‘Was it one thing I stated?’ asks the son. ‘Sure.’” – Damien Slash

“I used to be considering of operating a marathon, however I feel it may be too troublesome getting all of the roads closed and offering sufficient water for everybody.” – Jordan Brookes

“I’m going to donate my physique to science, and maintain my Dad joyful – he all the time needed me to go to medical faculty.” – Lee Mack

“A sandwich walks right into a bar. The barman says, ‘Sorry we don’t serve meals in right here.’” – Peter Kay

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“I simply purchased underwater headphones and it’s made me masses quicker. Have you learnt how motivating it’s swimming to the theme track from Jaws? I imply my nervousness is thru the roof however document occasions.” – Felicity Ward

100 of one of the best ever jokes and one-liners from the Edinburgh Fringe

“I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast in the course of the Renaissance.” – Steven Wright

“I’d like to start out with the chimney jokes – I’ve received a stack of them. The primary one is on the home.” – Tim Vine

“The miserable factor about tennis is that regardless of how a lot I play, I’ll by no means be nearly as good as a wall. I performed a wall as soon as. They’re relentless.” – Mitch Hedberg

“I rang up British Telecom and stated: ‘I need to report a nuisance caller.’ He stated: ‘Not you once more.’” – Tim Vine

“It’s superb that the quantity of stories that occurs on the planet day by day all the time simply precisely matches the newspaper.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“I used to be in my automotive driving again from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I stated, ‘One minute I’m on the telephone.’” – Alan Carr

“The simplest time so as to add insult to damage is once you’re signing someone’s forged.” – Demetri Martin

“I went to purchase some camouflage trousers the opposite day, however I couldn’t discover any.” – Tommy Cooper

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“My spouse – it’s troublesome to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.” – Milton Jones

“So I’m on the Wailing Wall, standing there, like a moron, with my harpoon.” – Emo Philips

“A lodge minibar permits you to see into the longer term and discover out what a can of Pepsi will value in 2020.” – Wealthy Corridor

“A spa lodge? It’s like a traditional lodge, solely in reception there’s an image of a pebble.” – Rhod Gilbert

“My Dad all the time knew I used to be going to be a comic. Once I was a child he stated, ‘Is that this a joke?’” – Ken Dodd

“I went down the native grocery store. I stated: ‘I need to make a grievance – this vinegar’s acquired lumps in it.’ He stated: ‘These are pickled onions.’” – Tim Vine

“My grandfather invented the chilly air balloon nevertheless it by no means actually took off.” – Milton Jones

“I moved to a well-to-do space. I do know it’s well-to-do as a result of I stated to my husband ‘it’s chilly in right here’, and he stated ‘we could flip the ground up’?” – Sarah Millican

“Police arrested two youngsters yesterday. One was consuming battery acid, the opposite was consuming fireworks. They charged one and let the opposite one off.” – Tommy Cooper

“I’m studying the hokey cokey. Not all of it. However – I’ve acquired the ins and outs.” – Iain Stirling

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“I’ve kleptomania. However when it will get dangerous, I take one thing for it.” – Ken Dodd

“I like to enter The Physique Store and shout out actually loud, ‘I’ve already acquired one!’” – Jimmy Carr

“I obtained recognised right now in Dixons. A member of employees got here as much as me and stated ‘hey you’re that mad bloke off the telly’. I went ‘that’s me’, and he went ‘no, you’re that mad bloke… off the telly!’” – Lee Mack

75 of Billy Connolly’s greatest jokes, one-liners and quips

“You realize, someone truly complimented me on my driving in the present day. They left a bit observe on the windscreen, it stated ‘Parking Advantageous.’ In order that was good.” – Tim Vine

“Cash can’t purchase you happiness? Properly, verify this out, I purchased myself a Completely satisfied Meal.” – Paul F Taylor

“A person walked into the physician’s. He stated, ‘I’ve harm my arm in a number of locations.’ The physician stated, ‘Nicely don’t go there any extra.’” – Tommy Cooper

“Should you don’t know what introspection is, you’ll want to take an extended, arduous take a look at your self.” – Ian Smith

“I fear about ridiculous issues, you understand, how does a man who drives a snowplough get to work within the morning… that may hold me awake for days.” – Billy Connolly

“I often meet my girlfriend at 12:59 as a result of I like that one-to-one time.” – Tom Ward

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“Pink sky at night time: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night time: day.” – Tom Parry

“My nice uncle Arthur died on the Battle of the Little Bighorn. However he wasn’t concerned within the preventing. He was tenting in a close-by area and popped over to complain concerning the noise.” – Rob Brydon

“So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed right into a trainload of terrapins, I assumed, ‘That’s a turtle catastrophe.’” – Peter Kay

“I really like Snapchat. I might speak about basic card video games all day.” – Aatif Nawaz

“My Dad informed me to take a position my cash in bonds. So I purchased 100 copies of Goldfinger.” – Nick Corridor

“My grandmother began strolling 5 miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we don’t know the place she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres

“I acquired an excellent evaluate this morning. Immediate and environment friendly payer. eBay.” – Lee Mack

“As a child I used to be made to stroll the plank. We couldn’t afford a canine.” – Gary Delaney

“You give a person a fish and also you feed him for a day. However you train a person to fish – saved your self a fish haven’t you?” – Lee Mack

“Crime in multi-storey automotive parks. That’s incorrect on so many various ranges.” – Tim Vine

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“My New Yr’s decision is to get in form. I select spherical.” – Sarah Millican

“Once you eat loads of spicy meals, you’ll be able to lose your style. Once I was in India final summer time, I used to be listening to numerous Michael Bolton.” – Jimmy Carr

“I advised the Inland Income I don’t owe them a penny. I stay by the seaside.” – Ken Dodd

“You recognize you’re getting previous whenever you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See in case you can blow this out.’” – Jerry Seinfeld

“I used to be not a very small baby. I used to be the one who all the time obtained picked to play Bethlehem within the faculty play.” – Jo Model

50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners

“I assumed I’d start by studying a poem by Shakespeare, however then I assumed, why ought to I? He by no means reads any of mine.” – Spike Milligan

“The anti-ageing advert that I want to see is a child coated in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used an excessive amount of!’” – Andrew Fowl

“I wanted a password eight characters lengthy, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” – Nick Helm

“A couple of many years in the past we had Johnny Money, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have now no Hope, no Money and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die!” – Invoice Murray

“I purchased myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” – Sara Pascoe

“I don’t belief the press. Typically they put on badges that say ‘press’, however should you press these badges they only fall over all stunned.” – Milton Jones

“Hardest job I ever had? Promoting doorways, door-to-door.” – Invoice Bailey

“My therapist informed me the best way to realize true internal peace is to complete what you begin. Up to now I’ve completed two luggage of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I really feel higher already!” – Dave Barry

“It’s unhappy day when your youngster appears up at you and asks: ‘Daddy, is that this natural?’ Natural? I grew up on Angel Delight! We didn’t have something in the home if it wasn’t neon!” – Dylan Moran

“Taking a look at my face is like studying within the automotive. It’s all proper for 10 minutes, then you definitely begin to really feel sick.” – Andrew Lawrence

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“A person walks right into a chemist’s and says: ‘Can I’ve a bar of cleaning soap, please?’ The chemist says: ‘Would you like it scented?’ And the person says: ‘No, I’ll take it with me now.” – Ronnie Barker

“Hey, if anybody is aware of the way to repair some damaged hinges, my door’s all the time open.” – Paul F. Taylor

“Individuals who use selfie sticks actually need to have an excellent, lengthy take a look at themselves.” – Abi Roberts

“I all the time take my spouse morning tea in my pyjamas. However is she grateful? No, she says she’d somewhat have it in a cup.” – Eric Morecambe

“My granddad all the time stated ‘by no means decide a e-book by its cowl’. And it’s for that purpose that he misplaced his job as chair of the British E-book Cowl Awards panel. See? I can write jokes – I simply select to not.” – Stewart Lee

“ – there’s a website for sore eyes.” – Tim Vine

“Exit indicators? They’re on the best way out!” – Tim Vine

“I noticed a documentary on how ships are stored collectively. Riveting!” – Stewart Francis

“The primary time I met my spouse, I knew she was a keeper. She was sporting large gloves.” – Alun Cochrane

“My Dad used to say ‘battle hearth with hearth.’ Which might be why he obtained thrown out of the hearth brigade.” – Harry Hill

“The man who invented the wheel was an fool. The man who invented the opposite three? He was the genius.” – Sid Caesar

“I used to assume sticks and stones might break my bones however phrases might by no means harm me – till I fell right into a printing press.” – Milton Jones

“Why on earth do individuals say issues like ‘my eyes aren’t what they was.’ So what did they was? Ears? Wellington boots?” – Billy Connolly

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“I went to Waterstones and requested the lady for a ebook about turtles. She stated ‘hardback?’ and I used to be like, ‘yeah and little heads.” – Mark Simmons

“What’s Postman Pat referred to as on his vacation? Pat.” – Aisling Bea

“I’m not a really muscular man; the strongest factor about me is my password.” – Rory O’Keeffe

50 of Milton Jones’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners

“Each time I see a person with a beard, moustache and glasses, I feel, ‘There’s a person who has taken each precaution to keep away from individuals doodling on pictures of him.” – Carey Marx

“I used to be enjoying chess with my good friend and he stated, ‘Let’s make this fascinating’. So we stopped enjoying chess.” – Matt Kirshen

“By no means belief a person who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t attempt it on.” – Billy Connolly

“I just like the Ten Commandments, however there’s an issue with the ninth one. It must be: ‘Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s ox – besides in Scrabble.” – David O’Doherty

“How come Miss Universe is simply gained by individuals from Earth?” – Ross Noble

“I used to be watching the London Marathon and noticed one runner dressed as a hen and one other runner dressed as an egg. I assumed: ‘This might be fascinating.” – Paddy Lennox

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“If we have been really created by God, why can we sometimes chew the insides of our mouths?” – Dara O’Briain

“I’ve all the time needed to go to Switzerland to see what the military does with these wee pink knives.” – Billy Connolly

“You possibly can’t lose a homing pigeon. In case your homing pigeon doesn’t come again, then what you’ve misplaced is a pigeon.” – Sara Pascoe

“All of it begins innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, however earlier than you recognize it you’re including raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky street.” – Olaf Falafel

“Anyone simply gave me a bathe radio. Thanks lots. Do you actually need music within the bathe? I assume there’s no higher place to bop than a slick floor subsequent to a glass door.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“My star signal is Pyrex. I used to be a test-tube child.” – Billy Connolly

“I’m positive wherever my Dad is: he’s wanting down on us. He’s not lifeless, simply very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall

“I’m so ugly, my father carries across the image of the child that got here together with his pockets.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“I stated to the health club teacher: ‘Are you able to train me to do the splits?’ He stated: ‘How versatile are you?’ I stated: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.’” Tim Vine

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“I just like the Pope. You already know that white factor on his head? Should you push that down and twist it, he’s filled with sweets.” – Sean Lock

“My drawback with The Grand Canyon is People are too pleased with it for my liking. The Grand Canyon was like that once they discovered it! And it’s not prefer it was exhausting to seek out.” – Ed Byrne

“A cement mixer collided with a jail van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are requested to be looking out for 16 hardened criminals.” – Peter Kay

“Whoever stated ‘nothing is unattainable’ clearly hasn’t tried nailing jelly to a tree.” – John Sweet

50 of Jimmy Carr’s funniest jokes and one-liners

“She’s nice, my Nan. She used to say issues like: ‘right here’s 5 kilos – don’t inform your mom’. I’d say ‘why not?’ She’d say ‘it’s hers’.” – Lee Mack

“I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was enjoying Dancing Queen on it. I assumed, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.’” – Tim Vine

“I feel the worst factor about driving a time machine is your youngsters are all the time within the again moaning, ‘Are we then but?’” – Paul F. Taylor

“Two monkeys have been moving into the bathtub. One stated: ‘Oo, oo, oo, aah aah aah.’ The opposite replied: ‘Properly, put some chilly in it then.’” – Harry Hill

“Owls haven’t received necks, have they? An owl is actually a one-piece unit.” – Ross Noble

“If a task requires a haircut, I say I gained’t do it. It means I can solely play the homeless, and probably Jesus.” – Russell Model

“Hedgehogs – why can’t they only share the hedge?” – Dan Antolpolski

“Individuals say ‘Invoice, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’” – Invoice Bailey

“My mom made us eat all types of nutritional vitamins and dietary supplements. At some point I almost choked on a part of The Sunday Occasions.” – Milton Jones

“I went to by a watch and the person stated, ‘analogue?’ I stated, ‘no thanks, simply the watch.’” – Tim Vine

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