Christmas Jokes Online Features Tech

100 best Christmas jokes and funniest one-liners for the festive season

Christmas jokes Santa

Christmas is among the jolliest occasions of the yr. So what higher time to roll out some amusing gags?

From enjoyable trendy Christmas cracker jokes to (typically) hilarious festive puns, these ought to entertain youngsters, buddies and kin at events and household gatherings.

Listed here are 100 Christmas jokes to maintain you laughing till the New Yr:

What does Santa endure from if he will get caught in a chimney? Claus-trophobia!

What occurred to the person who stole an Creation Calendar? He acquired 25 days!

Who delivers presents to child sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws!

What do they sing at a snowman’s party? Freeze a jolly good fellow!

What do Santa’s little helpers study at college? The elf-abet!

What sort of motorcycle does Santa journey? A Holly Davidson!

What did Santa do when he went velocity courting? He pulled a cracker!

Why was the turkey within the pop group? As a result of he was the one one with drumsticks!

What do you get in case you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas Quacker!

What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”? Santa strolling backwards!

Why was the snowman wanting by means of the carrots? He was choosing his nostril!

Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can ‘ho ho ho’!

What’s the greatest Christmas current on the earth? A damaged drum, you simply can’t beat it!

What do snowmen put on on their heads? Ice caps!

What did Adam say the day earlier than Christmas? “It’s Christmas, Eve!”

Christmas jokes Santa(Photograph: Shutterstock)

What do you get once you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!

What did the stamp say to the Christmas card? Persist with me and we’ll go locations!

Why did nobody bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? As a result of they have been two deer!

Learn extra

20 greatest last-minute presents

Christmas 2018: The last word purchasing information

What does the Queen name her Christmas Broadcast? The One Present!

Why don’t you ever see Santa in hospital? As a result of he has personal elf care!

How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus’ weight when he was born? That they had a weigh in a manger!

Why is it getting more durable to purchase Creation calendars? Their days are numbered!

How did Scrooge win the soccer recreation? The ghost of Christmas handed!

What do indignant mice ship to one another at Christmas? Cross-mouse playing cards!

What do you name a bunch of chess gamers bragging about their video games in a lodge foyer? Chess nuts boasting in an open lobby!

What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree? Good gnawing you!

What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? Twerky!

What does Santa do with out of practice elves? Sends them to an elf Farm.

Why did Santa’s helper see the physician? As a result of he had a low “elf” esteem!

Who hides within the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy!

Christmas reindeer joke(Photograph: Shutterstock)

How do snowmen get round? They experience an icicle!

What do snowmen have for breakfast? Snowflakes!

What does Santa do when his elves misbehave? He provides them the sack!

What did Santa say to the smoker? Please don’t smoke, it’s dangerous for my elf!

What do you get when you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsilitis!

What’s the preferred Christmas wine? ‘However I don’t like Brussels sprouts!’

What’s inexperienced, coated in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet? A mistle-toad!

Which well-known playwright was scared of Christmas? Noël Coward!

What carol is heard within the desert? ‘O camel ye trustworthy!’

What number of letters are within the Christmas alphabet? Solely 25, there’s no L!

What do reindeer cling on their Christmas timber? Horn-aments!

Why are Christmas timber so dangerous at stitching? They all the time drop their needles!

How will Christmas dinner be totally different after Brexit? No Brussels!

How does Christmas Day finish? With the letter Y!

What occurred to the turkey at Christmas? It received wolfed!

Christmas tree joke(Photograph: Shutterstock)

What do snowmen eat for lunch? Icebergers!

When is a ship identical to snow? When it’s adrift!

Who delivers presents to cats? Santa Paws!

Why did the turkey cross the street? As a result of it was the hen’s day without work!

What do you get for those who cross Santa with a detective? Santa Clues!

What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh? Santa going via a revolving door!

What’s Santa’s favorite place to ship presents? Idaho-ho-ho!

What do you name shopping for a piano for the vacations? Christmas Chopin!

What’s a toddler’s favorite king at Christmas? A stoc-king!

Who’s Santa’s favorite singer? Elf-is Presley!

Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas Get together? As a result of he had no physique to go together with!

How does Darth Vader take pleasure in his Christmas Turkey? On the darkish aspect!

Who’s Rudolph’s favorite pop star? Beyon-sleigh!

What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells!

Who do Santa’s helpers name once they’re sick? The Nationwide Elf Service!

Christmas snowman joke(Photograph: Shutterstock)

What’s white and minty? A polo bear!

Why did Scrooge maintain a pet lamb? As a result of it might say, “Baaaaahh humbug!”

Who’s a Christmas tree’s favourite singer? Spruce Springsteen!

What automobiles do elves drive? Toyotas!

What’s Santa’s main language? North Polish.

What do reindeer say earlier than they inform a joke? This one will sleigh you!

How do you carry a frozen automotive? With a Jack Frost!

Which vacation mascot has the least spare change? St. Nickel-less!

What would you name an elf who simply has gained the lottery? Welfy!

How did the bauble get hooked on Christmas? He was hooked on timber his entire life!

What do you name an obnoxious reindeer? Impolite-olph!

Why are Christmas timber so keen on the previous? As a result of the current’s beneath them!

What do you name a child who doesn’t consider in Santa? A insurgent and not using a Claus!

Why does Santa go down the chimney? As a result of it soots him!

christmas tv guide shutterstock(Photograph: Shutterstock)

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa Claus when she appeared up within the sky? Appears like rain, pricey!

Why did Santa get a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? He left his sleigh in a snow parking lot!

What do you name Santa dwelling on the South Pole? A misplaced clause!

What a part of the physique do you solely see throughout Christmas? Mistletoe!

What do the elves prepare dinner with within the kitchen? Utinsels!

What’s the distinction between Santa Clause and a knight? One slays a dragon, the opposite drags a sleigh!

What do you name chopping down a Christmas tree? Christmas chopping!

The place do Santa and his reindeer go to get scorching chocolate whereas flying within the sky? Star-bucks.

What do sheep say at Christmas? A Merry Christmas to Ewe!

Why is everybody so thirsty on the north pole? There’s o properly, no properly!

Which soccer staff did the child Jesus help? Manger-ster United!

What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple? A pineapple!

Why is winter a snowman’s favorite time of yr? As a result of they will camouflage!

What do vampires sing on New Yr’s Eve? Auld Fang Syne!

What athlete is warmest in winter? An extended jumper!

What do you get in the event you cross a bell with a skunk? Jingle Smells!

Christmas cracker joke(Photograph: Shutterstock)

And right here’s some trendy Christmas cracker jokes:

Why was Theresa Might sacked as nativity supervisor? She couldn’t run a secure authorities!

Why don’t Southern Rail practice guards share creation calendars? They need to open the doorways themselves!

What’s the distinction between Ryanair and Santa? Santa flies a minimum of every year!

Kim Jong Un will play Santa this yr within the South’s annual pantomime. He stated he fancied a Korea change!

Why did Donald Trump constantly adorn the Christmas tree? As a result of individuals stored saying “moron” to him!

Why was the deliberate Ryanair TV documentary scrapped? They have been unable to air a pilot!

Which TV Christmas particular is being filmed in Brussels this yr? Deal Or No Deal!

Theresa Might has requested Santa for a house makeover this yr. Very first thing on the record was a brand new Cupboard!

What did Bruce Forsyth say when the Christmas pheasant repeated on him? “Good recreation, good recreation!”

Why did Jeremy Corbyn ask individuals to not eat sprouts on Christmas Day? He needs to provide peas an opportunity!

Extra jokes:

38 of the funniest Russell Howard jokes
The 28 funniest Greg Davies jokes and quotes
The perfect Graham Norton jokes and most scathing put-downs
Listed here are 10 of the funniest jokes written by youngsters
35 of the funniest jokes by Northern comedians
The 31 funniest South Park jokes and quotes
100 of the funniest ever jokes and greatest one-liners
100 of one of the best knock knock jokes (a few of which are literally humorous)
26 of Seann Walsh’s biggest jokes
16 of Barry Chuckle’s biggest jokes
34 of Lee Evans’ funniest jokes and quotes
30 of Romesh Ranganathan’s funniest jokes and quotes
26 of Sara Pascoe’s funniest jokes and quotes
41 of Eddie Izzard’s funniest jokes and quotes
41 of David Mitchell’s funniest jokes and quotes
21 of Rhod Gilbert’s funniest jokes and one-liners
45 of the funniest eight out of 10 Cats jokes
41 of Stewart Francis’ most ingenious jokes and one-liners
19 of the funniest World Cup jokes from stand-up comedians
30 of Jack Whitehall’s funniest jokes
43 of the funniest Donald Trump jokes
100 pun-based jokes that may make you snicker and cringe
50 Edinburgh Fringe one-liners that deserved to win Funniest Joke
31 Greatest Man jokes that may work for any wedding ceremony
100 of the funniest brief jokes that may have you ever laughing in seconds
105 of the most effective dangerous jokes
105 of the most effective clear jokes and one-liners
50 soccer jokes to make you snigger – or groan
100 of the most effective jokes for teenagers which might be truly humorous
25 of Peter Kay’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
26 of Stewart Lee’s most gloriously acerbic jokes
49 of Monty Python’s funniest jokes
45 of Ricky Gervais’ funniest jokes
17 of Ken Dodd’s most ingeniously humorous jokes
27 of Sarah Millican’s snort out loud jokes
50 of Jimmy Carr’s funniest jokes and one-liners
50 of Milton Jones’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
50 of Frankie Boyle’s funniest (and darkest) jokes
25 of Charlie Brooker’s most chopping jokes and insults
25 of Lee Mack’s wittiest jokes and one-liners
75 of Billy Connolly’s greatest jokes, one-liners and quips
30 of the all time jokes about Scotland – from Scotland

And a few terrific quotes:

30 of Stephen Fry’s funniest jokes and quotes
Burt Reynolds’ biggest quotes – remembering the actor’s wit and knowledge following his dying aged 82
23 of Outnumbered’s funniest (and probably unscripted) quotes)
35 of Blackadder’s most crafty quips and insults
29 of probably the most outlandishly humorous Mighty Boosh quotes
20 of probably the most absurdly humorous quotes from Nathan Barley
39 of the best Brass Eye and Day At the moment quotes
25 of probably the most outrageous Summer time Heights Excessive quotes
25 of Rik Mayall’s biggest quotes
25 of the funniest ever Nonetheless Recreation quotes
50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes
Pink Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners
Derry Women: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners
25 of probably the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier
25 of probably the most ‘textbook’ Alan Partridge quotes
50 of the most effective strains from Peep Present
20 of The Younger Ones’ most gloriously foolish quotes